I recently read an article that talked about this stage of life.  The stage of life we're in.  It simply said "it's hard."  And it is.  We are past the stage of watching friends get engaged and married and having babies.  For the most part.  I'm hoping I'm not past the stage of having babies, because...well...I just hope we aren't for a while. We need some recovery time first.  Haha!  We are in a stage of hard decisions, struggles, discipline, teething, ear infections, watching friends struggle in marriage and in parenting,  This is the stage where it's hard to have any identity outside of "mommy."

Who are we anyway outside of the day in and day out goings on?

I'm not gonna lie.  I was so relieved to read it all.  Every word.  It was all spot on.  I talked with a friend this past week who has also struggled with infertility and the waiting and longing for children. She now has two precious baby girls with the help of IVF.  Even though our environment wasn't really an intimate setting with heartfelt feelings shared, it was the truth.  We both struggle.  Of course, we longed for, prayed for, cried for, and waited for our precious blessings.  We love them more than we can even fathom.  It's difficult to even comprehend that God loves our children even more than we do.  But it's hard.

Those of us who struggled and prayed and waited...we have the same struggles as the rest of you.

Let's be honest.  There are days you wonder where your sweet babies went, and who these little monsters are sitting in your home.  The crying, the fighting, the whining, the defiance, the fighting, the crying, the potty training woes, the sleep training issues, the crying, the fighting.  Did I mention the crying and fighting?

The more we talked, that same friend said, "I'm so glad to hear that.  Because when I look at your pictures, it seems like everyone has it all together but me."  Ummmm....NO!  Not even close.  Those pictures are a snapshot of our day.  A moment in time.  A single silent moment.  Or a quick loving gesture between siblings...that probably ended with a body slam by one or the other.  Yep, Smith has learned to hold his own for sure!

My days are filled with challenges.  Challenges with patience, with kindness, with wisdom, with anxiety, with discipline, and challenges with feeling like a failure.  We eat microwave chicken nuggets and pancakes and mac and cheese from a box - even the individual microwave kind (gasp!).  We drink CapriSun.  We don't care about rushing the paci out the door.  We still wear pull-ups to bed, and we didn't start potty training til weeks before preschool.  My kids eat dirt and lick tables at restaurants.  They hit.  Each other and me.  I'm inconsistent with discipline sometimes.  We yell at times and cry.  Thank goodness we also forgive!

So, no.  We don't have it all together.  Sometimes we all turn into monsters.  But they are my little monsters.  And I love every single thing about them!  Every personality trait.  The stubbornness, the feistiness, the dramatic, the anger, the persistence.  All those things can be negative, yes.  But they also can be guided into positives.  I have strong children who will grow up to be strong adults.  And it is my job to teach them how to channel their emotions and tendencies into strength of character.

And when the day is done, and they are fast asleep...I want nothing more than to crawl in bed with them and hold them so tight.  I want to cry over their sweet faces.  Because they are so perfect.  Made perfectly in His image and perfectly planned.  A blessing to me.  And a blessing to this world.  And they are mine!  I want to crawl in their beds and apologize for the day.  It wasn't that bad.  It was just a day full of lessons.  Learning together how to use our gifts and personalities to please God.  And a day full of asking God for help and mercy and grace.  A beautiful day that we will never get back.  It is the only day they will be that young.  Tomorrow they will be older.  Sometimes I look at them and my heart is in my throat, because I don't see babies anymore.  I see children.  A 3.5 year old who thinks and sometimes acts like a teen.  We call that a "threenager" around here.  An 18  month old who can actually do so many things on his own!  Anything his sister can do, he can do better.  I have a lump in my throat now just thinking about it.

Yep.  I want to crawl in bed with them, but I don't.  I dare not stir the sleeping monsters!

Easter Egg Colors

So, after Easter I realized we didn't even have an egg hunt for the kids.  They just got to watch the adults look like looney toons running around hunting eggs.  Thankfully, they really aren't old enough to realize they missed out.  Oops.

But we DID have some Easter fun for the kids!

KayKay made arrangements for the kids to dye Easter eggs.  I made the executive decision for Smith, and he just continued playing with all the toys.  I envisioned my wild ones having an egg dye fight and Kristin's beautiful kitchen turning into a tie-dye delight.  One child is what I was up for at the moment.

I think the adults had just as much fun as the kids, and as always I was surprised at how much Millie Janalee is capable of doing on her own.  If her mama would just back off!  Ha!

Smith came around from time to time to observe and make his strategy for participating next year...

The kids and mamas did a great job if you ask me!  And we ended up with a carton full of bright colors.  Now, why we didn't hide those and let the kids hunt them...

…is beyond me!  LOL!  Never even thought about it.  Maybe next year.

Get Out The Way

In case you wondered, the annual Smith Easter Egg Hunt did commence.  We moved the location this year and it rained.  It was muddy.  But we did it anyway.  Because you know how the adults in my family feel about this competition!  It's serious.  Dustin was sick and throwing up the night before.  Dr. Russ called in something to help him out, which I'm not sure was a good strategy for us.  But he made it for Easter Sunday morning.  And it was on!

On your mark, get set, GET OUT THE WAY!

I'm not sure if the kids were traumatized or just thought we were completely crazy.  I'm betting on the latter.  I'm quite positive Kristin and Lee's neighbors knew we had lost our minds.  There was running, screaming, yelling, and wheezing!  Not to mention five grown adults - a doctor, a professional, a manager, and two stay at home moms - running around with pastel colored Easter baskets! We're getting old and out of shape over here!  Haha!

And we scattered

Cheating in progress here - no help from the spectators, Kristin!

Teaming up - Team Johnson!  Didn't do any good.  Ha!

Someone forgot their uniform.

Everyone is going pretty slow at this point.

When the wheezing and heavy breathing and pain in the muscles and joints were at an all time high...and there were no more eggs found, the counting began.  There is the counting and documentng of the eggs and the counting and documenting of the cash.  Both of which take us all a little time.  Since we all lose count at least 3-4 times before landing on a final number.  Dustin has his own banker actually.

We canNOT figure out how this happens.  Every year.  With only one exception that I can remember. But Dustin was the big winner.  AGAIN.  By a huge margin!  Lee came in second and Russ third - always consistent.  Kristin and I swap back and forth on last place and next to last.  Every year.  I did come in last with the number of eggs - 38.  But I was not last place on the cash count.  So there's that.

Another egg hunt in the books!  Bragging rights for a year are set.  And Kristin and I will scrimp and pinch our little pennies to buy the most for our money.  Since we don't have quite as much to spare as the others.

It wasn't until the next day that we realized we never even had an egg hunt for the kids!  I'm sure Millie Janalee will notice next year.  Hopefully she will be content with candy!  No kids allowed in the big hunt.

Here Comes Peter Cottontail

Russ and I took the family to my parents' house the night before Easter to spend the night.  We can barely make it to church on time when we are home, so I knew traveling with all the extra Easter morning festivities would prove challenging.

And the Easter bunny still found my little chicks...

Each year gets more and more fun as I watch Millie Janalee take in all the festive holidays.  I remember how I used to mourn each stage passed as she was growing up.   I still find myself doing that sometimes, but now I know that every stage is so much fun in its own way.

Smith is getting more and more aware of what's going on.  More than that, he pretty much does everything his big sister does!  She says, "Let's go play in my room" and his feet pitter patter right behind her.  It took a while to get Smith focused on his own baskets...and not his sister's.  But once he did, I think he was pleased.

These sweet moments are the ones I will look back on with tears in my eyes.  Because I know there is no way to soak them in as much as you want to.  You will always wish you held them longer, were more patient, and played Barbie dolls more.  As I write this they are both asleep on the other end of the house.  And it's when they are quiet and asleep that I miss them most and reflect back on my day and how bad I thought it was.  And think to myself, "Was it really that bad?"  Sometimes the answer is "YES!  It was bad!"  Haha!  But most days, it really wasn't as bad as it seemed in the moment.  Maybe they won't be scarred for life.

These are the days.  These are probably the fullest days and the days we will look back on most heartsick for those innocent babies and the time we had to invest in their lives and their play.