Okay.
It's time to get real.
I've done my fair share of pep talking and sugar coating and positive thinking. Now, I'm about to get real. The funny thing is...I have no idea who reads this blog on a daily basis. I have no idea who I'm sharing all these thoughts and special events with. I only know who comments and who talks about the blog with me in person. But, I'm gonna give you a taste of my reality.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...at some point during most days, I could go crazy with anticipation, excitement, and anxiety.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I feel like I'm dragging my feet through the day, sometimes, just waiting to get to the next day. You know...in case the next day is THE day.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I check the waiting families website multiple times a day looking for another placement.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I actually took Farley into Baby J's room and rocked him in the glider the other night. Just to try it out for size. And, it fits quite well. I'm just thinking it's time to stop pretending and rock someone for real.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I've been in a constant state of prayer. Not for a baby...although that usually goes hand-in-hand...but for my heart. I'm in a constant state of prayer asking God to prepare my heart for His plan. If His plan is for years of waiting....I need Him to prepare my heart so I won't go insane!
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I can leave the house in the morning in a constant state of thankfulness, smiling, and nearly giddy and teary eyed at all the blessings I have been given...and all the good things He has done for me and my loved ones. Then, at some point during the day, my thoughts drive me crazy enough to think I need more. Hmmm...writing it out like that makes me feel selfish and ungrateful.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I was beyond grateful that my family decided to make a last-minute trip to Memphis to eat supper. I SO needed a distraction after a very distracted day. There was no baby talk, no adoption talk, no looking at baby things. Just a fun distraction. And that was nice.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...Every time I wish for babies to be placed, I'm hit with a feeling of guilt. Guilt because I know that every time a baby is placed with an adoptive family, there is a heartbroken birth family somewhere. Then I'm filled with mixed emotions.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I'm convicted to be content where I am. That was my focus word for the new year, and BOY has it been tested! I'm convicted to use my gifts now....to stop waiting for that "someday." More on that later.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I know there are people all around me with REAL problems. I know that I don't have problems...I have more than I ever deserve. I know this in my head.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I do trust Him with my plans. I trust Him with my future. I pray for His plan for our family. But, I also pray that He prepare my heart for His plan...help me to control my anxiety. Maybe I should do that more. Obviously so.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I notice every time someone complains about piddly life issues. I notice. I think about all the blessings we all have...and how they outweigh our tiredness, our messy homes, our sleepless nights, our distractions, pains, and longings. I think about all of that and try not to complain. At least to anyone other than my husband. Bless his heart! And maybe my mom too. Today, I'm not complaining.
I'm just gettin' real.
Lately I have found myself thanking God for things all throughout the day. Maybe it's my way of controlling my anxiety and giving myself a reality check.
Because if God was gettin' real with me...I'm pretty sure He would say..."Look around, child. Don't you have more than enough? Have I not done enough for you?" I'm pretty sure I would begin to sob as I think of not only the things, luxuries, opportunities, and relationships I have been blessed with...but of the ultimate sacrifice. God gave His ONLY Son for ME (and YOU). He gave ALL so that I could have the assurance of a home with Him in Heaven. Jesus died on that cross so that I might live...forever.
How's that for gettin' real?
It's time to get real.
I've done my fair share of pep talking and sugar coating and positive thinking. Now, I'm about to get real. The funny thing is...I have no idea who reads this blog on a daily basis. I have no idea who I'm sharing all these thoughts and special events with. I only know who comments and who talks about the blog with me in person. But, I'm gonna give you a taste of my reality.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...at some point during most days, I could go crazy with anticipation, excitement, and anxiety.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I feel like I'm dragging my feet through the day, sometimes, just waiting to get to the next day. You know...in case the next day is THE day.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I check the waiting families website multiple times a day looking for another placement.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I actually took Farley into Baby J's room and rocked him in the glider the other night. Just to try it out for size. And, it fits quite well. I'm just thinking it's time to stop pretending and rock someone for real.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I've been in a constant state of prayer. Not for a baby...although that usually goes hand-in-hand...but for my heart. I'm in a constant state of prayer asking God to prepare my heart for His plan. If His plan is for years of waiting....I need Him to prepare my heart so I won't go insane!
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I can leave the house in the morning in a constant state of thankfulness, smiling, and nearly giddy and teary eyed at all the blessings I have been given...and all the good things He has done for me and my loved ones. Then, at some point during the day, my thoughts drive me crazy enough to think I need more. Hmmm...writing it out like that makes me feel selfish and ungrateful.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I was beyond grateful that my family decided to make a last-minute trip to Memphis to eat supper. I SO needed a distraction after a very distracted day. There was no baby talk, no adoption talk, no looking at baby things. Just a fun distraction. And that was nice.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...Every time I wish for babies to be placed, I'm hit with a feeling of guilt. Guilt because I know that every time a baby is placed with an adoptive family, there is a heartbroken birth family somewhere. Then I'm filled with mixed emotions.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I'm convicted to be content where I am. That was my focus word for the new year, and BOY has it been tested! I'm convicted to use my gifts now....to stop waiting for that "someday." More on that later.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I know there are people all around me with REAL problems. I know that I don't have problems...I have more than I ever deserve. I know this in my head.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I do trust Him with my plans. I trust Him with my future. I pray for His plan for our family. But, I also pray that He prepare my heart for His plan...help me to control my anxiety. Maybe I should do that more. Obviously so.
If I'm gettin' real with you, I'd have to tell you that...I notice every time someone complains about piddly life issues. I notice. I think about all the blessings we all have...and how they outweigh our tiredness, our messy homes, our sleepless nights, our distractions, pains, and longings. I think about all of that and try not to complain. At least to anyone other than my husband. Bless his heart! And maybe my mom too. Today, I'm not complaining.
I'm just gettin' real.
Lately I have found myself thanking God for things all throughout the day. Maybe it's my way of controlling my anxiety and giving myself a reality check.
Because if God was gettin' real with me...I'm pretty sure He would say..."Look around, child. Don't you have more than enough? Have I not done enough for you?" I'm pretty sure I would begin to sob as I think of not only the things, luxuries, opportunities, and relationships I have been blessed with...but of the ultimate sacrifice. God gave His ONLY Son for ME (and YOU). He gave ALL so that I could have the assurance of a home with Him in Heaven. Jesus died on that cross so that I might live...forever.
How's that for gettin' real?
11 comments:
Love this! I can totally relate to just about every one of those (except for the whole dinner in Memphis thing... that would be a little too far for me in SC). But, I can totally related to all of the adoption-related ones and to the "learning to be content". We adopted back in August and now have a 7 month old. I've been struggling with being bitter about having to work long hours and being away from my new baby. I've been praying that I'll learn to be more content and thankful for the things I do have, instead of dwelling on the things that I don't have. Thankful for a good job in this economy, a fantastic husband, a little girl that we prayed so hard for, etc. So, I said all of that to say that I can totally relate! :)
WOW! I needed that to remind me to stop complaining about the sleepless nights and to honestly be thankful for them. AND to remind me to stop more throughout the day and pray for my blessings!
What great words. We all knew they were there stuck deep inside. Now, don't you feel better? That's why the name of my blog is Keeping It Real. I got tired of reading all these blogs that were all 'life is great' 'my kid potty trained in 2 days', etc. I tell it like it is! Does the soul good.
I love reading your blog and following your journey!
I know you feel better after writing that. The truth is, we all feel like that. I promise we do. We are all imperfect, and we all forget to be thankful, and we all fall into discontent. And of course you are anxious and stressed----you want a baby right now!
You know how I pray for you and Baby J daily. I have no idea how you have hung on as long as you have, waiting for your precious baby. But he/she will come. And in God's perfect timing.
Hang in there! :)
Love and hugs!
p.s. you know my motto, even on the hardest of days (and I don't even imagine to understand your pain), but my motto can apply to all of us.
There is always, always, always something to be thankful for, and
Thanksgiving produces joy. :)
I love everything that you wrote. I know how hard it is to want a baby so bad you cant stand it and to have to wait on the Lord. That in fact is that hardest thing in this world to do. Please know that I think about you and Russ all the time and hope and pray that you will be united with your precious baby soon. When Eric and were trying to have a baby I constantly felt stressed and lonely. And I was closer to God then than I have ever been before. I like this verse...It always helped me make it through the days.
" Faith is being sure of the things we hope for". Hebrews 11:1
It is such a small verse but it helped me so many days. You keep believing that God has something awesome for you and just when you least expect it he does something BIG!!!!! Bigger than you can even imagine. He did that for me and I know he will do it for you....you just have to BELIEVE. Sometimes when you really look at things you may not be BELIEVING in him as much as you think. I know I didnt. I need to tell you my testimony about having a baby. I havent shared it wiht many but I want to share it with you. We should do lunch sometime or dinner:) Love you!
Megan, I can so sympathize with you. I have many of the same feelings. I have had multiple friends who have either just had a baby, pregnant, or just found out they were pregnant recently and I've had so many mixed emotions. I too am trying to learn to be content. A very hard thing to do. I too find myself reading Facebook posts or listening to conversations where people complain about bring pregnant or issues with little ones and I just want to write or say hey stop and think. There are those of us who would trade the world to be in your shoes.
What a great post~ thanks for sharing your REAL, honest thoughts. I remember them all too well. You will look back on these days and be amazed at how much your faith was strengthened during this time. Keep trusting Him!
What a great post! Totally normal to have those feelings, and I know if I were in your shoes, it would be really hard not to go stir crazy. I keep checking back to see if you've gotten "the call" and I hold my breath while I wait for the page to load, hoping I'm going to see a blog post about it! I just know it's coming soon!
Praying for you as you wait!
Megan I have been reading your blog since before you decided to start your journey to adopt. I love reading your posts, especially the ones you write directly to Baby J. I can hear your heart's desire in your words and you are so sweet and open with your posts. I cry for you and pray for you to get THAT phone call soon.
I will say that in the past, when I was waiting for THE call, I tried an old trick that my Grandmother taught me when I was a child and used to ride the bus with her to go downtown. We would walk to the bus stop and invariably have to wait, which always seemed to take forever! So my Grandmother would open up her purse and dump everything out on the bench of the bus stop and start cleaning out her purse right there! Of course by distracting us the time would fly by so quickly and then we would hear the bus and start shouting to her to pick up her things!
The waiting time was the same, but the distraction made it seem like it went by faster! God's timing is perfect and we all have to wait for things, but I know it will be worth it for you and your family.
Bless you!
Can't write what all I am feeling but this is a great post. And u are normal!
email me so we can exchange numbers
we could talk for hours!!
mknight@lincoln.k12.ms.us
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