Bring Back that Feeling...

As we are going through our study, When Wallflowers Dance, we have talked about being "Un-woman." This term is referring to the numbing down and going away. Backing to the wall to blend in. Numb. There is a word that I might use to describe myself sometimes.

Tonight, in our study, we talked about passion. Women spoke of times they felt and acted passionately about things. What causes us to lose that passion? Rejection? Disappointment? Failures? Fear? I think that sometimes, as women, it is easier to just feel nothing than to be passionate. Or perhaps we don't even realize we have become that way.

You know, I think about my own life and when I became numb. When did I stop feeling? Why did I stop feeling?

I remember four years ago deciding that I wanted to be a mother. The time is now. At least that was my idea of good timing. Since that time, I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I have hoped and hoped and hoped. In the past three years, I have seen specialists, had surgery, taken medication, and injections. I have begged, pleaded, and delved into God's Word. I was thirsty to know Him, to see what His word had to say to me, and I was hopeful and optimistic about our future family. Sometime between all the prayers, hopes, scriptures, and specialists I became numb at times. I became numb out of survival.

At first, I became numb to the comments. I had to for my own sanity. When people told us "It's about time for you to have a little one" I needed to not hurt. When people told us, "You are still young. You have plenty of time. Don't rush it. Trust me!" I needed to be numb to the frustration to remain smiling. Then, I became numb to the disappointments. When disappointment came, I didn't want to cry. I was tired of crying. When friends became pregnant, I needed to feel numb to be happy. Again, I didn't want to cry during such a joyous time. How ridiculous, I thought. Finally, I even became numb to the hope. When treatments changed, I needed to be numb so I wouldn't get too excited. This way, the failure wouldn't be as bad. I wouldn't be so disappointed.

See? I was numb. Just existing. Going through the motions. I was just numb from trying, from hoping, from the poking, from the disappointment, and from the comments.

I think I have become numb spiritually at times as well. Have you ever felt that way? I mean, I had prayed so hard. Hoped so hard. Believed full well that God would provide in MY timing. Just as we often tend to step back after failures and trials to just get out of the way and avoid getting hurt, I did this with God. I somehow lost that passion that I once had. I had all these feelings I was working through, searching for His answers. Then, I had nothing. No feelings. Not terribly excited. Not sad. Not disappointed. Just standing against the wall. Waiting.

In this study, Angela quotes Gordon MacDonald:

Study the life of Christ, and you will discover that He was never on the verge of passionlessness.

God wants us to live full and passionate lives. In fact, John 10:10 says, "I came that you may have life - life in all its fullness." God has given me SO much! So much more than I could ever earn or deserve. Look back at all the riches of my salvation that I wrote about yesterday. What more do I need? God promises to bless those who love Him. He has a plan for my life. He doesn't want me standing against the wall blending in. Existing. He wants me out on the dance floor. Because of His promise to dance with us, we can dance in the midst of this chaos. We can dance through the disappointment. Why not? The blessings He has in store for us far outweigh what we could ever have imagined. Ephesians 3:20 tells us this..."God is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine."

I heard this song a while back, and I shared it with my bible study group last night. This song is a love song, but it also talks of our relationship with God. It talks about how God never promises life will be easy. But He did promise that He would dance with us. So, we can go "dancing in the minefields" because of His promise. Take a listen....

It's time for us to find that passion again. It's time to feel again. It's time for us to dance in these minefields! While I wait on His plan to unfold, I can dance and live this life He has given me to its fullest!

As the Righteous Brothers say, "bring back that lovin' feeling!" (Sorry! I couldn't help it. I've got songs on the brain this week! You should hear my latest version of "I Will Survive!" Ha!)