I recently read an article that talked about this stage of life.  The stage of life we're in.  It simply said "it's hard."  And it is.  We are past the stage of watching friends get engaged and married and having babies.  For the most part.  I'm hoping I'm not past the stage of having babies, because...well...I just hope we aren't for a while. We need some recovery time first.  Haha!  We are in a stage of hard decisions, struggles, discipline, teething, ear infections, watching friends struggle in marriage and in parenting,  This is the stage where it's hard to have any identity outside of "mommy."

Who are we anyway outside of the day in and day out goings on?

I'm not gonna lie.  I was so relieved to read it all.  Every word.  It was all spot on.  I talked with a friend this past week who has also struggled with infertility and the waiting and longing for children. She now has two precious baby girls with the help of IVF.  Even though our environment wasn't really an intimate setting with heartfelt feelings shared, it was the truth.  We both struggle.  Of course, we longed for, prayed for, cried for, and waited for our precious blessings.  We love them more than we can even fathom.  It's difficult to even comprehend that God loves our children even more than we do.  But it's hard.

Those of us who struggled and prayed and waited...we have the same struggles as the rest of you.

Let's be honest.  There are days you wonder where your sweet babies went, and who these little monsters are sitting in your home.  The crying, the fighting, the whining, the defiance, the fighting, the crying, the potty training woes, the sleep training issues, the crying, the fighting.  Did I mention the crying and fighting?

The more we talked, that same friend said, "I'm so glad to hear that.  Because when I look at your pictures, it seems like everyone has it all together but me."  Ummmm....NO!  Not even close.  Those pictures are a snapshot of our day.  A moment in time.  A single silent moment.  Or a quick loving gesture between siblings...that probably ended with a body slam by one or the other.  Yep, Smith has learned to hold his own for sure!

My days are filled with challenges.  Challenges with patience, with kindness, with wisdom, with anxiety, with discipline, and challenges with feeling like a failure.  We eat microwave chicken nuggets and pancakes and mac and cheese from a box - even the individual microwave kind (gasp!).  We drink CapriSun.  We don't care about rushing the paci out the door.  We still wear pull-ups to bed, and we didn't start potty training til weeks before preschool.  My kids eat dirt and lick tables at restaurants.  They hit.  Each other and me.  I'm inconsistent with discipline sometimes.  We yell at times and cry.  Thank goodness we also forgive!

So, no.  We don't have it all together.  Sometimes we all turn into monsters.  But they are my little monsters.  And I love every single thing about them!  Every personality trait.  The stubbornness, the feistiness, the dramatic, the anger, the persistence.  All those things can be negative, yes.  But they also can be guided into positives.  I have strong children who will grow up to be strong adults.  And it is my job to teach them how to channel their emotions and tendencies into strength of character.

And when the day is done, and they are fast asleep...I want nothing more than to crawl in bed with them and hold them so tight.  I want to cry over their sweet faces.  Because they are so perfect.  Made perfectly in His image and perfectly planned.  A blessing to me.  And a blessing to this world.  And they are mine!  I want to crawl in their beds and apologize for the day.  It wasn't that bad.  It was just a day full of lessons.  Learning together how to use our gifts and personalities to please God.  And a day full of asking God for help and mercy and grace.  A beautiful day that we will never get back.  It is the only day they will be that young.  Tomorrow they will be older.  Sometimes I look at them and my heart is in my throat, because I don't see babies anymore.  I see children.  A 3.5 year old who thinks and sometimes acts like a teen.  We call that a "threenager" around here.  An 18  month old who can actually do so many things on his own!  Anything his sister can do, he can do better.  I have a lump in my throat now just thinking about it.

Yep.  I want to crawl in bed with them, but I don't.  I dare not stir the sleeping monsters!

Easter Egg Colors

So, after Easter I realized we didn't even have an egg hunt for the kids.  They just got to watch the adults look like looney toons running around hunting eggs.  Thankfully, they really aren't old enough to realize they missed out.  Oops.

But we DID have some Easter fun for the kids!

KayKay made arrangements for the kids to dye Easter eggs.  I made the executive decision for Smith, and he just continued playing with all the toys.  I envisioned my wild ones having an egg dye fight and Kristin's beautiful kitchen turning into a tie-dye delight.  One child is what I was up for at the moment.

I think the adults had just as much fun as the kids, and as always I was surprised at how much Millie Janalee is capable of doing on her own.  If her mama would just back off!  Ha!

Smith came around from time to time to observe and make his strategy for participating next year...

The kids and mamas did a great job if you ask me!  And we ended up with a carton full of bright colors.  Now, why we didn't hide those and let the kids hunt them...

…is beyond me!  LOL!  Never even thought about it.  Maybe next year.

Get Out The Way

In case you wondered, the annual Smith Easter Egg Hunt did commence.  We moved the location this year and it rained.  It was muddy.  But we did it anyway.  Because you know how the adults in my family feel about this competition!  It's serious.  Dustin was sick and throwing up the night before.  Dr. Russ called in something to help him out, which I'm not sure was a good strategy for us.  But he made it for Easter Sunday morning.  And it was on!

On your mark, get set, GET OUT THE WAY!

I'm not sure if the kids were traumatized or just thought we were completely crazy.  I'm betting on the latter.  I'm quite positive Kristin and Lee's neighbors knew we had lost our minds.  There was running, screaming, yelling, and wheezing!  Not to mention five grown adults - a doctor, a professional, a manager, and two stay at home moms - running around with pastel colored Easter baskets! We're getting old and out of shape over here!  Haha!

And we scattered

Cheating in progress here - no help from the spectators, Kristin!

Teaming up - Team Johnson!  Didn't do any good.  Ha!

Someone forgot their uniform.

Everyone is going pretty slow at this point.

When the wheezing and heavy breathing and pain in the muscles and joints were at an all time high...and there were no more eggs found, the counting began.  There is the counting and documentng of the eggs and the counting and documenting of the cash.  Both of which take us all a little time.  Since we all lose count at least 3-4 times before landing on a final number.  Dustin has his own banker actually.

We canNOT figure out how this happens.  Every year.  With only one exception that I can remember. But Dustin was the big winner.  AGAIN.  By a huge margin!  Lee came in second and Russ third - always consistent.  Kristin and I swap back and forth on last place and next to last.  Every year.  I did come in last with the number of eggs - 38.  But I was not last place on the cash count.  So there's that.

Another egg hunt in the books!  Bragging rights for a year are set.  And Kristin and I will scrimp and pinch our little pennies to buy the most for our money.  Since we don't have quite as much to spare as the others.

It wasn't until the next day that we realized we never even had an egg hunt for the kids!  I'm sure Millie Janalee will notice next year.  Hopefully she will be content with candy!  No kids allowed in the big hunt.

Here Comes Peter Cottontail

Russ and I took the family to my parents' house the night before Easter to spend the night.  We can barely make it to church on time when we are home, so I knew traveling with all the extra Easter morning festivities would prove challenging.

And the Easter bunny still found my little chicks...

Each year gets more and more fun as I watch Millie Janalee take in all the festive holidays.  I remember how I used to mourn each stage passed as she was growing up.   I still find myself doing that sometimes, but now I know that every stage is so much fun in its own way.

Smith is getting more and more aware of what's going on.  More than that, he pretty much does everything his big sister does!  She says, "Let's go play in my room" and his feet pitter patter right behind her.  It took a while to get Smith focused on his own baskets...and not his sister's.  But once he did, I think he was pleased.

These sweet moments are the ones I will look back on with tears in my eyes.  Because I know there is no way to soak them in as much as you want to.  You will always wish you held them longer, were more patient, and played Barbie dolls more.  As I write this they are both asleep on the other end of the house.  And it's when they are quiet and asleep that I miss them most and reflect back on my day and how bad I thought it was.  And think to myself, "Was it really that bad?"  Sometimes the answer is "YES!  It was bad!"  Haha!  But most days, it really wasn't as bad as it seemed in the moment.  Maybe they won't be scarred for life.

These are the days.  These are probably the fullest days and the days we will look back on most heartsick for those innocent babies and the time we had to invest in their lives and their play.

Busy Easter Week

Our Easter week felt jammed pack with regular life and all the extra fun activities on our calendar!  That's the thing about holidays.  They fly by because we are so busy celebrating and having fun.

Russ was off the week of Easter, so we started the week by picking up and letting Russ build our first swing set.  I wish I could share the video of Millie Janalee's reaction.  It was priceless!  She was so excited, and she told her daddy "It is perfect.  Thank you to buildin it!"  We have played on it every sunny day since.

Next up was Millie Janalee's class Easter egg hunt. Russ rarely gets to come to daytime school functions, so we were thrilled he could join us!  Plus he was invaluable as he helped watch this wild man...

The moms who put together the party did a wonderful job.  We had the hunt at a local park, and we had it all to ourselves. We had picnic lunches on quilts, read a story about the true meaning of Easter, and the kids played til we drug them out one by one.

We have been so blessed by Millie Janalee's preschool.  The teachers, staff, and parents have been so welcoming and absolutely love our children.  They are thrilled to see Millie Janalee coming (or at least they act like it), and Millie Janalee is ecstatic each morning they open our car door to get her out.  She is learning so much, and more importantly she has grown and learned and shared with us so much about Jesus and His love for us.  You can't put a price tag on that education!

I am so blessed to be able to share these special days with my sweet, sassy, and strong firstborn!

Our family also enjoyed another fun Easter treat when our neighbors invited us to the Easter carnival at our local country club.  Russ has been wanting to join since he's been going to play tennis some up there.  It was such a wonderful event!  We saw the Easter bunny, of course, and it was CLASSIC!  Just like Santa.

The kids had a blast and the adults did too.  At the end, there was an Easter egg hunt for all the children.  It only took Millie Janalee two seconds after arriving to find friends she knew all over the place.  It is always fun to watch three year olds interact and live life as they  know it.  Such sweet friends.

I didn't even bring Smith's Easter basket.  That's what happens with #2.  I'm wondering if #3…we just forget one of them at home altogether!  Hahaha!  He enjoyed looking for eggs and putting them in big sister's basket just as well.

It was great visiting with friends and meeting new people throughout the day. Our little family had such a great time!  This time of year is just so nice!  Mother of year also failed to apply sunscreen to any of my little monkeys…all is well now.  Thankful my babies have better skin tone than their parents!

We went home to rest for an hour before heading off to the annual Johnson family Easter egg hunt.  It's actually just hosted by Russ's brother and his family.  There are lots of friends there along with family.  We always have a great time, and this year was no different.  Afterward, some family and close friends hung around for a birthday supper celebrating Clay's 17th birthday!

By the time Easter Sunday rolled around, this crew was exhausted.  Or at least these parents were.  But SO much FUN and even more fun ahead!

Easter 2016

I hope your family had a blessed Easter!  This time of year is one of my favorites, simply because it feels like new beginnings. Easter in particular is special to me, because it is symbolic of the new beginning God gave us by sending His one and only Son to die on the cross for our sins.  So that we may spend eternity in Heaven with Him.  He bled, He died, but HE ROSE AGAIN!  And we will soon be caught up with Him in the sky and live forever with Him.  Those of us who believe and ask Jesus to take control of our lives.  Those who have gone before us….we will see them again! And live as heirs to the throne of our Creator.  Because we are His sons and daughters!  He chose us!  He adopted us.  He loves us more than we can fathom.

I love these babies more than words can say and more than they will ever know.  So you can see how it baffles me to know that God loves them even more!

God sent His son, they called Him Jesus;

He came to love , heal and forgive.

He lived and died to buy my pardon,

An empty grave is there to prove my savior lives!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,

Because He lives, all fear is gone,

Because I know He holds the future,

And life is worth the living

Just because He lives!

Since moving closer to home, Russ and I haven't been to a Sunday church service back at our home church - that I can remember anyway.  It was so nice to worship with family and my extended church family that has loved me for as long as I can remember.  The pews were full, the music was amazing, and it was obvious that God was there…moving.  It was a wonderful Easter celebration!

Cousins

Of course, we celebrate Jesus's birth and resurrection continually throughout the year.  But it is so refreshing to have one day where the whole world stops and focuses on Easter - and what it truly means.  Whether they believe or not.  There are even believers who differ on setting aside one day to celebrate His resurrection on Easter.  What an amazing opportunity to place Christ right in the front of everyone's face!  I will take that opportunity any day!

He is risen!  He is risen indeed!

One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike.  Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord.  Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God.  For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies to ourselves alone.  If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die of the Lord.  So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.  For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that He might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.

You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister?  Or why do you treat them with contempt?  For we will all stand before God's judgement seat.  It is written:

"'As surely as I live,' says the Lord,   'every knee will bow before me;  every tongue will acknowledge God.'"

So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.

-Romans 14:5-12

From our family to yours…we hope you had a blessed Easter Sunday!

Update on Life with Littles

We are still here.  Still alive!  Just soaking in this time with two littles in our home.  And staying very busy!  I have Christmas posts started with all the pictures of our Christmas activities, and I may never get to them.  But here is your recent update.

Russ and I have two of the most precious blessings!  They love each other - well most of the time, it's kinda like a love/hate relationship.  But they are inseparable either way.  We love them, discipline them, and try to guide them in the right direction.  We are trying to teach them to obey, to pray, to love, and to trust God when they are scared at night.

It's the biggest job we could ever be given…parenting.  But, we are also trusting God to lead us in the right direction day by day.  Minute by minute most days!  And He is faithful.  We mess up and get frustrated and cry even at times.  But we are filled with JOY!

This is the day the Lord has made!  We will REJOICE and be glad in it!