Friendships

Friends, like people, come in all shapes and sizes. Some friends bring a bellyache full of laughter while some bring a soothing word that will calm most any trauma. Some bring a scripture during a time of hardship or stress while others simply allow you to vent and sometimes join in. Some offer a soft cushy shoulder to cry on while others may offer a little bony shoulder to lean on. Some bring a meal over when you are down or sick while others lift you up in prayer. Some call you weekly to check up while you may see others once a year but it seems like you've been together the whole time. No matter what kind of friend you have...they are special.

Friendships are a precious gift from God.

Isn't that what we all look for? I remember starting kindergarten and looking around thinking, "Are you my friend?" That is the age of complete honesty, isn't it!? At this age, children will walk right up to a stranger and say, "Will you be my best friend?" How simple. Then, as we grow we continue to look for friends. We form clubs and groups at recess. I remember some girls at my school had a Fossil Club when I was at East Corinth Elementary. I was not invited to become a member, and I have NO idea what they did! I'm pretty sure I wasn't into fossils anyway! Ha! Then, I remember some of my friends and I formed a Babysitter's Club. Nevermind the fact that we were much too young to babysit! We posted signs outside on the front columns of my house. We lived on one of the busiest streets downtown. I'm pretty sure we looked ridiculous! But, it didn't matter. We were friends. In a group. We belonged. We continued on into the upper elementary grades when we were looking for friends and to belong. We had to find the coolest clothes and wear our hair a certain way. More specifically, I wanted my bangs to be curled into what my mom called a "doo doo roll" because one of the older girls did it. We just knew that if we were cool enough, we'd have friends. As we grew older, we began to tell our parents to stay away from us. We didn't want people who already knew who our parents were to think we were related to our parents! How embarrassing that would be! This is the age some of us asked our parents to drop us off where no one could see us get out of the car. As if a 13-15 year old could really drive herself to school or to the movies! Then, when we got into high school and college, we searched for friends as we changed schools or moved away from home. We struggled with our appearance and went through major life changes. We are searching for ourselves and sometimes basing that on who we are friends with. Then, when we finally grow up (and I'm not sure that any of us are really "grown up") we start looking for something different. What is it we are looking for? What is it I am looking for? I can tell you right now that I look for true friends. A friend who knows the good, bad, and the ugly. A friend who takes the good and takes the bad. A friend who doesn't care what you look like, who your parents are, what kind of car you drive, who your other friends are, or whether you have braces or not. That's what I want in a friendship.

I've been reading a book that Kelly from Kelly's Korner recommended, Friendships for Grown-ups. Although I didn't love everything in the book, I did come away with things that convicted me and affirmed what I had already thought about friendships. It's always good to hear someone else's thoughts on the matter.
Have you ever noticed how junior high girls often bond with each other by talking about other people...or other friends? Now think about your friendships. Are you still acting like a junior high girl bonding with your girlfriends? To be honest, I have been guilty of that at times. Many times. Although I have tried to be more careful after life experiences and observations, I have made a much more purposeful decision to be more careful around friends since reading this book.

The truth is I want to be a safe friend. And I want safe friends. How do you know if someone is safe? First of all, a safe friend will be one that doesn't go around talking about others. Lisa Whelchel gave several examples of how she tried to be a safe friend. When someone came to her saying, "Can you believe what she did?!" Lisa would reply, "No, I can't believe many of the things I still do! When will we ever grow up?" She would say this laughing it off all the while. Think about the people in your life that are always telling a juicy story about others. Do you really think that you are the only person your friend doesn't talk about? If they will say it all to you, more than likely that person is talking about you to someone else. I've watched and observed this a few times. I tend to be much more selective with my tongue now. I find myself even more careful with some of my prayer requests. This does not mean that I'm not friends with those people. It just means they are not my safe friends. A safe friend is exactly that. One that you are safe with. You are safe to tell your deepest feelings and secrets to without worrying about it going any further. And, friend, those friends are hard to find! The first step to finding safe friend is to be a safe friend. Be a person that people are safe with.

I think that this age is a difficult age to find friendships. Some may disagree. At this age, people seem to be in all different walks of life. For example, some are married, some unmarried, some have a child or children or are pregnant, some do not, some are working, some stay at home, etc. This is probably true for every age group, but I would say it is more prominent in the mid 20's and early 30's as people get settled into life on their own. One of the activities in the book challenges you to ask your friend...the one you consider to be closest to a safe friend...two questions.

1. What do I do that draws me to you?
2. What do I do that pushes you away?

This is a great exercise to strengthen a friendship. As I looked at those questions and thought about some of my friendships, I thought about my answer to the second question. "You always seem so busy. Always talking about your list and things you need to accomplish. Busy with a child or children and going here and there. I feel like the things I struggle with would not seem reasonable given all the things you do or are doing. I do not feel like there is much time in your life for a friendship." Then, I thought about what people may say about me. I'm pretty sure I'd hear that I didn't always answer or return my phone calls. Friends may take this as a sign that I'm not interested in them. Of course, this couldn't be further from the truth, but without the question asked, they would never know that I DO have an interest in them. I read their blogs faithfully and check their Facebook constantly and think about them often. I'm just not a phone person. I'm sure when Russ and I started dating I was a phone person, but I don't remember it much past that point. So, if my friend replied with this for the second question, I would know to make them know that I am very interested in their life. I know this is something I need to work on. A simple card in the mail, email, text message, anything to show them I care. Although, Felicia and Rachael, thank you for being a consistent friend that keeps calling no matter what! I always know I have a friend in you two! I'll do better. Ha! So, I'm very tempted to try these two questions with some of my friends. Maybe it's just sticking them in a simple email or Facebook message. It may be easier if you are not face to face. I wonder if there is a way to make your friendship stronger and work on things you never knew about. Girls are so funny about this. We make assumptions and don't want to put ourselves out there if we don't feel like the other person is interested or has time for us. We don't want to be disappointed. I don't know about you, but I want to be a good friend to someone who is a good friend to me. This is one way to make sure that happens.

I consider myself a better close friend than I am new friend. And, I'm no expert on either! I have never made friends easily. I tend to be shy and scared to put myself out there. I am most comfortable around people I spend the most time around. I literally get stomachaches when Russ and I are going to events with people I don't know. What if they don't like me? What if I don't have anything to say? What if? What if? What if? It took me 3 years of marriage and 5 years of dating to even be comfortable around some of Russ's family members. (Roan, I'm talking about you! Ha!) Not necessarily because of anything but my own insecurities. Or because I didn't think the other person would have anything in common with me. Or I didn't feel like I was creative enough or hard-working enough or smart enough. So silly, I know!

Am I the only one like this?

Another thing I liked about this book is not only the time it spends on developing safe friendships, but also how it motivates me to make new friends. This comes in handy as Russ and I relocate and make changes in our life together. I mean, safe friendships have to begin somewhere. If I'm scared to be around new people, I may miss my "Emmit." (This is the name of a safe friend from the book.) The fact is, if we are going to make new friendships, we will probably have to be purposeful about it. Most of my friends throughout my life have simply fallen into my lap. But, what have I missed out on by not reaching out? My friends reached out to me. Who am I not reaching out to? There are lots of practical ways laid out in the book to get you started:

1. Take the initiative and be a social coordinator. Plan an event. Step out.
2. Plan a Bunco party. The great thing about a game night is that the games keep us busy and away from any deep conversation or awkward silences. Of course, to grow deeper in these friendships, you'll want something more. But, this is a great way to begin. And fun! I've never been to a Bunco night that wasn't just the most fun ever! No matter who is there!
3. Join something together. I'm never good with joining a group by myself. Like a class, choir, lessons. But I love joining with someone. If you join something like this with someone, you will obviously build a relationship simply based on the fact that he/she is the only person you know! Ha!

There are pages and pages of practical steps, but you get the idea! Things we already know, but having them typed out on paper really makes it real.

You see, a true safe friend is not the only kind of friendship out there. I want more than just safe friends. I want friends I can have fun with. Friends I can call on to run errands with me. Friends I can go to the pool with. Friends I can just enjoy. Those may not be your safe friend, but they are still a precious gift. Consider yourself enormously blessed if you have have numerous safe friends. Wow!

Are you a friend? Are you a safe friend? Do go out of your way to befriend others? I think we can all work on this. Women need friendships outside of the home. I feel like that is important to us, and it can be better for our marriages at times too. There are many times you don't want to burden your already busy and exhausted husband with problems and concerns all the time. And, let's face it. Most husbands don't reply with what us women want or need to hear. A friend can do that!

Find a new friend. Be a safe friend. Practice grown-up friendships.