I am so excited to begin our "God Gave Us Love" series today! And how appropriate to begin our series with the woman who gave me the most influential piece of advice I received during our infertility journey! You've heard me mention it before, but Abbey once told me "God will give you the desires of your heart, because he promises He will. He just may change your desires." No words were more true for our life. When our desires changed to His desires...it was greater than we could imagine! So, sit back and allow Abbey to share how God gave her love and built her family. You will be blessed.
September 11 is a date remembered by many for what was lost. For me, I will always associate this day with something gained.
For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. When I discovered I was pregnant in March 2005, my husband Jeff and I excitedly informed our families and friends. As a friend pointed out, it was the perfect time for us to start a family. We had recently moved to Nashville, bought a house, and Jeff had started a new job. Soon after, I began to sense something wasn't quite right. I spoke with my doctor, and he assured me I was experiencing normal pregnancy symptoms. I remember when people would congratulate me on the pregnancy, and I felt like I was lying when I thanked them. My suspicions were confirmed late one night in a cold, sterile ER room when a nurse informed me I was no longer pregnant.
My world felt like it stopped when I heard those words. I became numb. I shut down. I would share more about this time in my life, but I don't remember much. I felt like I was living in a fog. I went through the motions of life, but that was all. All the dreams I had for my unborn child were gone. I felt robbed, but I distinctly remember I didn't question why it happened. I remember standing in church as a minister's wife and being unable to worship by singing songs. I was stuck. Countless people tried to console me by sharing their stories of how many babies they had lost. While trying to be kind, these stories did anything but encourage me about my future as a mom.
Thankfully, Jeff saw what was happening to me. After a few months of letting me grieve the loss, he gently suggested I see a Christian counselor. He found one based on a recommendation of a friend. At first it felt weird talking to someone about details of my life I felt were extremely personal. Over time, I worked through a lot of guilt for losing my child and feeling like I let people down. One of the most important things I learned was it was okay to cry. I felt like I needed to be strong in front of others, especially as a minister’s wife. With permission to cry, I became an expert at locating the closest place to mourn. I never knew - and still don't - when a word, phrase, picture, or comment would send me back to the pain of losing a child. One of my go-to cry places was the shower. I didn’t have to explain to anyone why I was crying, and there were times I needed to cry.
Time passed, and Jeff and I still desired to have children. I lived in 28 day cycles of disappointment. We weren't sure why I wasn't getting pregnant, but we were determined. We visited a fertility clinic and chose to try a procedure the doctor recommended. It involved ultrasounds, shots, and several visits to the doctor. After several rounds, I got pregnant again and miscarried soon after.
This time was a very dark period in my life. Everyone I knew was pregnant, some even admittedly with no desire to be. I knew I was becoming desperate for a child when I considered asking the young Wal-Mart associate if she planned to keep the child she was carrying.
I remember crying out to God, claiming
Psalm 37:4 that talks about God giving you the desires of your heart. I begged God to give me the desires of my heart, and I made it clear my desire was to be pregnant.
We decided to try a different fertility clinic, and our doctor took a different approach. He wanted to figure out why we weren't getting pregnant. Big decisions had to be made when Jeff was out of town and unreachable. With hesitation, I paid a large sum of money. I went through many blood tests, procedures, and surgeries to determine the reason why I wasn’t getting pregnant.
During this process, I missed a phone call that came early in the morning. Later I learned a friend was attempting to reach me to see if I was interested in adopting a child who had just been born. That moment will forever be in my mind, because something changed. I realized I could have loved that child and become the baby's mother. In that moment, I knew I wanted a child, but I knew it no longer mattered to me how I became a parent.
I realized that God was working in me. He hadn't ignored my plea. He simply changed what I was asking for. He allowed me to realize
He could and would give me the desires of my heart. I just had to realize God may change the desires!
On the weekend before Jeff and I were to find out the results of all the tests, surgeries, and procedures, I attended a conference where I worked with other writers to come up with ideas, activities, and learning techniques to write Sunday school curriculum. As I got to know my fellow writers, I discovered that almost all of them had children who were adopted. Each journey was different, but throughout the course of the conference, I got to hear each story.
On Monday morning, Jeff and I sat in the office of the fertility clinic as the doctor patiently explained the reasons why we were not getting pregnant. After going through the explanation, he made the recommendation that we pursue in vitro fertilization. We thanked him for his time and agreed to discuss the options.
We walked out of the clinic and back to our car, and Jeff looked at me and said, “I’m ready to adopt.” (I do need to pause here and say we have nothing against families who chose to use in vitro. We have several dear friends who have children through this avenue. For us, we felt the most confident - given our circumstances and medical issues - to opt not to pursue in vitro.) I had been ready for months, but Jeff needed more time to process. While waiting for him to do this, I prayed for our future child and waited on the Lord to reveal our next steps.
I shared with my writing friends our decision to adopt, and they congratulated us. They recognized the significance of this decision. A few days later, a package arrived at my doorstep. It was from one of my new writing friends, Jill. She had adopted twice, once domestic and once international. She had created a “Waiting” package for us. She had a different activity or item for us to open once a month for twelve months, along with a letter for each month. She sent a gift card to buy a book, an ornament kit to create an ornament for our child, and my most valued item, a book she called “Worrying, Waiting, Wondering” where she hand wrote different verses of encouragement for us to reflect on. What an encouragement this was to us.
Once we knew we wanted to adopt, we had to make a lot of decisions. First, we contacted
Bethany Christian Services, because we knew we had to have a home study. When we arrived, we had no idea what direction we would go. Through events I can only know were ordained by God, we met a social worker named Bethany who was in the process of adopting from Taiwan. We spoke at length with her and felt the program was a good fit for us. We contacted that agency and coupled with a very enthusiastic social worker, we were submitting all our paperwork by early January. We were placed on a wait list with no idea when to expect the call.
On March 27, 2007, I was taking a day off work from teaching 8th grade English. I was feverishly trying to meet a writing deadline. (This was for the Sunday school curriculum I had attended the conference for where I met fellow adoptive parents.) I was taking a break and checking my email when I noticed an email from the adoption agency. My heart almost flew out of my chest when I realized this was the referral email. I immediately called Jeff and asked him to come home. He raced home, and together we opened the email to see our son. A beautiful baby boy born in February and less than 2 months old. While it may sound silly, I promise my heart left at that moment and flew right over to Taiwan! We immediately printed out the pictures, packed some clothes, and headed to share the good news with our parents. I remember staring at the 3 pictures we had over and over again. Finally, our adoption coordinator called us, and we realized we had gotten the pictures and information before we were supposed to get it. We didn’t mind!
As we were waiting to travel, we created a “Flat Reed” that we took everywhere with us. We treated him like a “Flat Stanley” and took pictures as we hoped the days would pass quickly.
After what felt like years but in reality was only about 6 ½ months, Jeff and my parents walked with me up a crowded street in Taiwan and into a home. Drake Reed Kai was sitting in a stroller and looked up at me like he had known me all his life. I picked him up, and my life was forever changed. (You can read more about our travels and this time by visiting our blog at
www.jeffandabbey2001.blogspot.com)
After an emotional time of meeting Reed’s birthmother and grandparents, we traveled back to Taipei and began our life as a family of three. The joy that filled my soul is still there today. God granted me the desires of my heart, even when I didn’t fully understand or grasp what they were. He made me a mom. All the tears, pain, surgeries, money spent, fretful nights of waiting and wondering, all of it paled in light of the joy of parenthood.
Reed got to meet his other set of grandparents and one very proud aunt when we arrived home at the Nashville airport. After meeting them and a few others, we descended the escalators on our way to baggage claim. As baggage claim came into view, we could hear singing. I looked down to see family and friends and hear “How Great is our God” as they sang. To this day, I can’t go down those escalators or hear that song without instantly bringing that memory to mind. I tell people they got to visit new babies in the hospital, but I considered my hospital to be the airport. We got to share our son with those who had supported us, cheered us on, and encouraged us when we weren’t sure what was going to happen next.
Soon after we brought Reed home, we were ready to adopt again and signed up with our agency to begin the paperwork chase. Since we had completed the process before, we felt sure we would easily navigate it again. Through events we couldn’t control, including a suspension of the Taiwan program indefinitely, we eventually had to walk away from that agency. I remembered being confused and hurt. I question, “Why would God take us away from a country we loved and wanted to adopt from again? This was our plan.” I struggled with what our next step would be. Jeff and I were open to whatever God had planned for us, but we didn’t have a clue what step that would be.
We were accepted - then denied - by another agency for reasons never really explained. I remember getting so frustrated, and then I remembered
Psalm 37:4 again. I knew I needed to trust God’s timing.
You get to know people and form connections when you adopt from the same country. A fellow-adoptive mom knew about our struggle to find a new program in Taiwan, and she recommended several different places. We contacted one, and they were just piloting the program. They promised to put us on a list, but they weren’t sure when they would accept new families. Much sooner than expected, we were contacted and began the process of gathering paperwork, conducting interviews, and preparing to begin the adoption process again.
We were still in the preliminary stages of the process when Jeff decided to fax over our homestudy to the agency for it to review. The day he faxed it over also happened to be my birthday. My best friend was taking me out for a special day of celebrating. As we left, I casually mentioned to her, “I would love to get a referral for my birthday, but the odds of that happening are about as good as your patio furniture you’ve been waiting on for months being delivered.”
Several hours later, she was dropping me off at my house, along with Reed, when Jeff called. I remember him saying, “You may get your birthday wish after all.” I remembered being so confused by this. I told him, “I either get it or I don’t. What do you mean?” He began to explain the agency had contacted him about adopting a sibling group. Somehow I communicated to my friend that I need to talk to Jeff some more, and she took Reed in the backyard to play. I remember sitting down at the kitchen table and opening up my laptop. Jeff began to give me details of a baby who was born yesterday in Taiwan. The baby had an older brother who had been staying at the orphanage, awaiting his brother’s birth. The desire was to keep the boys together.
This was a situation Jeff nor I had even discussed before. We talked for a bit, then the pictures of the boys came through email. We looked at them together while talking over the phone. I remember noticing how sad the older boy looked. We agreed to talk more when Jeff got home. I was in a constant state of prayer, and by the time he walked in the door, I knew. I knew God was granting me the desires of my heart again. Jeff had always said he wanted two children, and I was always pushing for three. After more prayer together, we called the agency and accepted the referral.
Later, once more paperwork arrived, we discovered that the baby hadn’t been born the day before my birthday like we thought. Taiwan is ahead of America time-wise, so I discovered that the baby and I shared a birthday, 30 years apart.
A few days later, my parents arrived, and we sent Reed out to greet them in a “Big Brother” shirt. It didn’t take long for them to notice, and we got to share our crazy story with them. At a birthday party Jeff threw for me, we again got to share the joy of announcing we were adopting not one, but two, more boys from Taiwan!
We endured another grueling wait, then we hopped on a plane with Reed (3 at the time), my mom, and Jeff’s best friend to travel to Taiwan to meet the newest members of the family. You can again check out
our blog for more on that meeting. I remember being so nauseated during the whole trip. Looking back, I think I was just so nervous. We were adopted a 4.5 month old baby and a 2 ½ year old little boy who didn’t speak English.
The first few months at home were a blur, but we survived three boys three and under. Boy, they were creative, enthusiastic, and energetic. We felt blessed, and we knew God had been good to us. I remember celebrating each week when a certain magazine arrived in the mail on Friday. We survived! No one had to go to the ER. The boys are smiling, and I considered that week a success. We felt our family was complete, no matter how many people asked when we would adopt a girl!
We celebrated Will’s first birthday on the same day as royalty Will and Kate tied the knot, ironically noting that Will shared the same name as Prince William Arthur. Of course, we had a Prince-themed party. The next morning, I was checking Facebook when I got a message from the missionary we met when we were in Taiwan. A birthmother was asking if we would consider adopting again. Jeff and I were a bit shell shocked at first. We had just told our friends the Saturday morning before we wouldn’t be pursuing any more adoptions. However, if we were contacted, we would pray about it. We prayed. I surveyed as many families as I could who had 4 children. I would ask crazy things like, “Even though there were 4 of you, did you feel loved? Slighted? How did your mom find time to take care of all you and not go crazy? Did you ever feel left out?”
In March 2012, Jeff and I traveled back to Taiwan to meet our fourth son, Tuck. By this time, we had developed a love for and familiarity with the beautiful country of Taiwan. We felt like we were going home when we arrived. We brought our son home to excited and proud older brothers in the same airport as Reed, Nash, and Will. We again were welcomed by dear friends and family to celebrate our newest addition. More memories of our “hospital” added to my mind. No matter how often I travel, every time I am at Nashville airport, I can remember the faces of each person who took the time to recognize the importance of being there for us when we arrived home.
I still reflect back on my journey to parenthood. I never know when something will trigger a memory of those times I was in such a dark place. I remember being at the altar of my church and begging God for a child. Now I worship in that same church with four boys to keep up with. I never imagined this would be my life. I didn’t dare to dream this big. I only asked God for one child, and He blessed me with four.
Remember the importance of today’s date? Yesterday and today are very special to my family. Yesterday, we celebrated meeting Reed face to face for the very first time in September 10, 2007. Today, we celebrate meeting Will and Nash on September 11, 2010. In March 2014, we will celebrate our face to face meeting with Tuck.
As I reflect back over the this journey, I can’t help but mention by dear friend Jill who was such an encouragement to me during my adoptions. After sending me the adoption wait survival kit, we worked on several more projects together. We developed a wonderful friendship, and she was a great mentor as an adoptive mom. She passed away last May of cancer. I hope by sharing my journey that in turn I can encourage someone else.
Claim Psalm 37:4 and have faith God will grant you the desires of your heart.
He hears. He knows. He cares.
