People have always said, through life you will be tested and tried. I never thought my life would take me down the path that it has the last ten years. Through heartbreak, tears, smiles, and laughter, I made it to who I am today. When I was a child people asked me all the time what it was like to be adopted. For me, I never gave it a second thought. My birth mother was only 17 years old when I was born. I always wondered, did she want me? Was I a mistake? Was I something bad that happened to her or was it very difficult for her to make that sacrifice? When I reached 17, I realized how young she really was and how there was no way I could ever have had a child at 17. For the first time in my life I had respect for my birth mother. The questions always remained though, why did she decide adoption? My answer came twice but took years before I saw it.
My boyfriend and I found out I was pregnant with my first child when I was 26 years old. We were in a tiny apartment and had very little money. We tried and tried to make ends meet and save for the baby but never could. Finally we decided adoption was the best answer. I knew in my heart that it was the only option because I was living the gift adoption brings. I did not want my son to grow up not having everything at his finger tips. I knew then that if we were to keep him, we would be so selfish and would only end up hurting his chances in life. Now, I'm not saying that everyone who ends up keeping their babies out of wedlock or being a single parent is selfish. In fact the majority of the parents in those situations make a bigger sacrifice by working nonstop to provide for that child. However, most of them have help from family members, which was an option we did not have.
I remember the first time I walked in to Bethany and met Nancy, our adoption counselor. I was terrified. My whole life I had been judged.What is this stranger going to think of me? I never thought being adopted myself I would be on the other side. After roughly five minutes, I felt like I was talking to one of my closest friends. I never felt awkward about telling her anything. My boyfriend met her and he felt the same way. She very quickly knew every detail and every secret of our lives. She was with me through every step of the process and held my hand through the hardest times. She even met my mother. I decided that due to my adoption being closed, I wanted my child to have the access to any questions he may have later in life. The answers that I will never have. I wanted to meet the family we had chosen to make sure they were going to be the right match for us and for the baby. I will never forget that day. My boyfriend and I were so nervous. We had read their profile and loved what we saw. We could almost feel through the pictures and their words that they were the perfect couple for our child. Upon meeting them it was as if God himself had held our hands to lead us to each other. We sat in the Bethany office for 2 hours, talking, laughing, carrying on like we had been old college friends who hadn't seen each other in years. We had so many things in common and so many things different but the main thing we had in common was the well being and love for this precious baby. I wanted them to have the experience of taking the baby home from the hospital and wanted them to be able to see him in the hospital. I wanted it to be as natural as if the adopting mother had given birth to him herself, just without all the pain. On a hot summer day I knew it wasn't long before he made his grand entrance into this world. Sure enough, by 8 pm that night I was headed to the hospital and by 2 am, he was in my arms. A beautiful, gray, big brown eyed, 6 lb baby boy who never cried but maybe once, had graced us with his presence.
The next day the adoptive family came to see their new born son. It was yet again just like a party. We hung out in the hospital room and talked and talked. I don't remember too much at this point, the pain medication is pretty awesome when you have a very easy but rather painful post delivery like I had. I remember though the night before I left the hospital. I sat in the bed with my son singing "Baby of Mine" from Dumbo, a lullaby my mother sang to me when I was a baby, to calm him to sleep. I cried and cried that night. We watched as the nurse laid him down in his bassinet to go to sleep before he took his journey to his new home with his new family to begin his new and wonderful life. The next day the nurse brought him in for the last time so we could say goodbye. We took pictures, told him how much we loved him and sent him off with Nancy.
After months and months of communicating through pictures and letters, the bond between us and the family had grown into an extension of our own family and just when we thought everything had begun to settle down and return to normal, I found out I was pregnant again. I was mortified. Not only was I pregnant, I was 31 weeks pregnant when I got the news. I never had any symptoms, never had any indication I was expecting again. We immediately called Nancy. We were still struggling to make ends meet and could barely afford to feed ourselves, much less our two cats. We had to come up with a plan and fast! In the first selection of profiles, just like with the first family, we kept looking at this one couple. The same feelings came flooding back to both of us. We never said which one felt the most to either of us until the end when we said "Okay, I think this one". We had both picked the same couple just like the first time. Every word, every picture just spoke to our hearts and once again God led us to this amazing couple. We met them and explained to them about our situation and that we had picked them. The meeting went exactly the same way. We left 2 hours later feeling like we had met up with old friends after years of being apart. It all felt so natural. I was in communication with my son's mother the whole time and Nancy actually came with me for the gender reveal at the doctor. Once again, on a warm summer night I gave birth to a stunningly beautiful baby girl. Everything went smoothly with the delivery, the parents came in to meet their new addition. We hung out in the hospital room playing music, talking and laughing and enjoying this precious baby. I arranged for an open adoption again so that if she had any questions, she would have the answers. I sang the same lullaby to her, even though she slept through most of her stay, unlike her brother. I never let her leave my arms except for when my boyfriend held her or it was time for the nurse to take her. I watched as the nurse laid her down the last night we were there. The next day wasn't as easy as the first time.
After the birth of my daughter, I began to wonder, why doesn't anything work out for me? Why is it that so many of my friends can have babies and have them with them and watch them grow. Would I ever get to the point of my life that I could have a child of my own? Why couldn't I have what I want? Then I realized, God was not punishing me, he was giving me what I needed and what I did always want. I've always wanted a large family and now I will have one. I've always wanted a man who would stand by me through hell and high water. We are one of the very very few couples to make it through, not just one, but two adoptions and are still going strong. I haven't lost my children. I still have the ability to watch them grow into beautiful amazing adults. We have four of the greatest people I have ever met now in our lives. My children later in life will know their brother and sister and will be able to spread the word of adoption and hopefully will give the world a new perspective of what an amazing gift adoption is. People now ask me "how could you do it? How can you just let go and give away your child?" I just smile and say " I didn't". I will always be with them in their hearts. They will never have to question themselves and why they were adopted. They will never have to wonder if they were wanted. They will grow up knowing they are two of the most wanted people on the face of this Earth. They will know they were loved so tremendously that I had to do what I did to give them the life they deserve.
I will now have the amazing family I have always wanted. I have a better understanding of my own adoption and have as much closure with my issues as I will ever have. God gave me the ability to give back for the gift I was given almost 30 years ago. Call it life, call it the cosmic universe, call it the work of God, whatever your beliefs, whatever your thoughts, there is one undeniable fact - that you will be tested throughout your life. What you make of the test and what you make of yourself is all up to you. My personal belief, God most certainly works in mysterious ways. It is up to you to open your eyes and see the gifts and the blessings brought to you. Appreciate them, love them but above all else, recognize them.
No comments:
Post a Comment