If you have not read the adoption testimony from a birthfamily's perspective, please take time to read it here. I am so honored to be the platform in which A and her mom shared their story of God's faithfulness...making beauty from ashes. The birth grandmother who shared on November 6 also sent a helpful list of ways to love and support birthmothers and their families. I think this will be a great resource for you if/when you minister to, support, and love birthmothers.
1. Just LOVE her. Hug her, encourage her, smile at her. She often feels shame and judgment. I cannot tell you how precious the notes, texts, and emails were to all of us. We would read them again and again during tough times. Our friends encouraged both A as she lived through this challenging time and my husband and I as we parented and supported her. Some friends even brought her a “happy” or took her to lunch or a movie. Anytime during the pregnancy is a great time to reach out, but the first few weeks after the birth were the most helpful—it’s a lonely time and having something to do helps. A had very few friends who stood by her, but the ones who did were so special. I think that some friends just felt awkward and didn’t know what to say. That is where moms can help our teens figure out the best way to minister to their friends. A will always have a deep love for our church, which showed her acceptance, concern, and grace.
2. I love the quote, “Be brave enough to tell your own story and kind enough not to tell someone else.” A’s pregnancy was quite the topic of conversation. Two women even decided to discuss A’s pregnancy over lunch in the booth next to us (they knew all about her, even though they didn’t know what she looked like!). Please be aware that what you are saying gets back to the birthmother and her family! We notice when you whisper, point, or stare, and it hurts. And comments made within earshot of a sibling are hurtful, too. Please, be kind.
3. Don’t say, “How can you give your baby away?” or “I could never put my baby up for adoption.” I respectfully say, you have no idea what you can or cannot do until you are faced with that decision. Also, you don’t know all of the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy—the birthmother does. These statements are judgmental, not helpful, and not honoring the difficult decision made by the birthmother.
4. If you are in a close relationship with the birthmother or birth family, just follow their lead in discussing the baby. Some families are very private and don’t want to discuss the pregnancy or baby; others are open and feel comfortable sharing stories and pictures. There are a few close friends who bless us by asking about the baby. We love to show them his latest picture—he is beautiful! But we also have close friends who act like last year never happened. We have even been told that A should not see pictures or keep in touch with the adoptive family so that she could forget him. Really? She doesn’t want to forget him; she wants to celebrate this precious boy and his wonderful family! Seeing him healthy, happy, and so very well loved gives meaning to her pregnancy. So if you are in a close relationship with a birthmother and she wants to talk about her child, please listen, console, encourage, and acknowledge this life changing experience.
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