God Gave Us Love {A Birthfamily's Story}

Okay y'all.  I dare not share too much introducing today's post, because no words from me can match the strength of this family.  No words can express my heart and gratitude for them.  This birth grandmother shares her daughter's story (with her daughter's approval), and I could not be more honored and humbled that she chose this platform to share God's faithfulness.  This family and I crossed paths on a day that only God could have coordinated and one we may never share publicly.  Although I do not know what His plan was for our connection, I do know he was smiling as He saw it unfold.  Today, more than ever, I am thankful that our paths crossed at such a time.  Because today you will get a glimpse into the heart of adoption.  A birthmother's difficult and agonizing decision to place her child into the arms of another family.  Out of love.  And selflessness.

I have loved this series. (Thank you Megan for creating a forum for people on all sides of adoption to share their stories) Each story has been amazing--heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time. And the pictures, oh the pictures! Seriously, every post has ended with me at least tearing up--sometimes full on sobs. But every time, at the end of the post, I was happy. The couple got their baby (sometimes even babies!). The family was complete. Everyone was happy.

Our story is a little different. A family did get a baby, just not our family. And there are happy family pictures, but we aren't in most of them. And I can't show you any of these pictures, because the baby, the one the family ended up with, he isn't ours to show.

But our story is still both heartbreaking and beautiful. And it still has a happy ending, just one of those happy endings that is still really hard.

My daughter, A, became pregnant when she was 18 years old, the spring of her senior year. A’s pregnancy was a complete surprise to her. She was about 15 weeks along and was exhausted all of the time, but she has a chronic illness and we chalked up the symptoms to that. She started getting bloated and we were worried she had yet another ovarian cyst. Her OBGYN had her come in for an ultrasound, to check for a cyst. A, her dad, and I sat in the ultrasound room and saw, not a cyst, but a baby boy.

I know, it sounds like a scene from a Lifetime movie; it was pretty surreal.

In that moment, even though i was totally shocked, I remember praying, “God, don’t let me say anything that I can’t take back and will hurt her forever. And I’m not sure how, but let us live this in a way that glorifies you.” If you knew me, you would know that prayer itself was not me but the Holy Spirit.

A was completely shocked. Her boyfriend and she had broken up. We were all in shock that first week. How could this be happening? I just wanted my baby to not have to go through this and to be headed into that wonderful future that we had planned for her.

For the first week, only our immediate family, the OBGYN, ultrasound tech, and my best friend knew. Then we told my parents, who live in our town and sensed that something was wrong. We wanted to keep it quiet, to make it through Senior Awards Day, Senior parties, and graduation, without anyone knowing. It was miserable—A would come home from the parties and cry. I’m not sure how, but we managed to keep from bursting into tears at her graduation.

The first night after the ultrasound, when A was crying, saying that she couldn’t have a baby, I told her she could place the baby for adoption. Our family has always valued adoption. My nephew was adopted 23 years ago. My two oldest daughters have worked with adoption organizations in the past and would like to adopt children someday. As A slowly began wrapping her mind around the pregnancy, she became more and more convinced that she would not be able to co-parent with the birthfather and thought it would be best to place this baby with a two parent family.*(See footnote.)

We began looking into adoption and at the Bethany website. One of her sisters sent me the link to a blog of a friend of a friend who was praying for a baby to adopt (this blog!). I showed A, and she read through the whole blog that night. She saw how much this couple longed for a baby! The next morning, she told us that for the first time since she found out about the pregnancy, she did not want to die. She could now see how she could bring joy to another family!

We met with Bethany and looked at family profiles for several months. Before she had decided on a family, we learned of a potential family through close friends. A chose this family. They were not with Bethany, so we ended up leaving Bethany to have a private adoption. We are, however, grateful for Bethany and the important work they do!

We encouraged A to make sure of her choice of adoption before we contacted this family. 15 years ago, our friend and neighbor went through a failed adoption, and I have never forgotten how devastating it was for her husband and her. Once A told us she was sure of her choice, I never doubted that she would follow through with the adoption. A is a very kind, caring person and would not want to willingly hurt this family, especially once she had formed a relationship with them.

During this time, A was in counseling, working through this situation and evaluating her decision. Her counselor forced her to work through all of the questions and emotions that would be present when the baby came. A would come home from counseling sessions exhausted, but these sessions prepared her, as much as possible, for the actual relinquishment.

We talked to the family on the phone and then had dinner with the family and the birthfather and his parents…another surreal experience. You would have thought it would be tense and uncomfortable but it was really a pleasant evening. A fell in love with the family! She then started texting back and forth with S, the adoptive mother. She even invited S to come to the next ultrasound. Watching her face as she saw the baby on the ultrasound screen was good for A. She could see that S was falling in love with her son.

Another relationship that helped during this time was with a young woman who had a similar story, placing a baby for adoption when she was 19 years old. Even though she is now 7 years older than A, she took the time to meet with A and talk through everything. Other than family, she was the first person at the hospital when A gave birth! She has since married and had a baby—it has been so good for A to see her happy, married, and enjoying motherhood! She was an incredible blessing and an example of ministering to others through your own experiences.

A was scheduled to be induced, so the adoptive family headed into town for the birth. She ended up going into labor the night before, and they were able to be there. S was on one side of A, and I was on the other when A delivered a beautiful baby boy. We all celebrated his arrival together!

The hospital had a room for the adoptive family to use to spend time with Isaac (this is the name A called him while she was pregnant), but we actually spent most of the time together in A’s room. We got to spend time with them, all of A’s siblings got to know (and love!) this sweet family, and we got to meet their young son (also adopted). Their son had been praying for a baby, and we loved seeing him meet his new little brother! He connected immediately with A, crawling into her bed and talking her ear off. He still talks about A and even sent her a special homemade card for her birthday. The family doesn’t know his birthmother, so A has become a picture of a birthmother for him.

In our state, the initial paperwork and relinquishment cannot be done until the baby is 3 days old. So we had three days with baby Isaac, 3 very precious days. I don’t know how to describe it other than it was a holy, grace filled experience. I'm not sure that we followed any of the traditional protocol for how birth families and adoptive families are supposed to act. We just decided that we had to be ourselves and the adoptive family did also and it just worked…I don't know…do you think God might have had something to do with working it all out? When A actually gave them the baby, we had a prayer time together—at the end the lawyer and A’s nurse (who had just come on duty and met A) were both in tears too. Another one of A’s nurses told A’s sister that this situation opened the door for her to witness to other nurses on the floor about the God who adopts us and then sustains us during our trials.

Knowing and loving Isaac’s adoptive family made it less difficult to release him to them. S and A love each other, and that love has made all of the difference in how A has dealt with the loss. A and S text back and forth. S sends us funny little pictures and videos of Isaac—his first time in the pool, wearing bunny ears for Easter, a recent pumpkin patch visit. S also created a private blog where she updates us with stories and pictures of their life with Isaac. We even got to skype with them on A’s birthday!

S really seems to realize that there were two children, A and Isaac, who lost something. Isaac lost A but he gained his adoptive parents, and they are filling him up with love. But in order for S to have that sweet boy and for A to continue to grow up and go to college, A has experienced a great loss. S does whatever she can to love A through this loss. She has become more than Isaac's mom. She has also become A's friend. She told A that she was the daughter she never had, which meant so much to A. Sometimes A jokes that she doesn’t have to be Isaac’s mom—she just wants to be adopted by them and be his big sister. At least, I think she’s joking…

We could have kept this baby. We could have all helped A raise him. In fact, all of her siblings offered to adopt and/or raise the baby. But A decided early on that Isaac was intended for another family. She guarded her heart the whole pregnancy, but she still fell in love with him when she met and held him. Even so, she followed through with the adoption because she still felt like it was the best thing for her son. She wanted Isaac to grow up in a home with a mother and a father who loved and valued him. I started to write that A would have been a wonderful mother—but she WAS and IS a wonderful mother. She didn’t choose to abort him, she put her life on hold, she took care of herself so that he would be healthy, she agonized over her selection of a family. She loved him in person the three days that she had him, and now she loves him and prays for him from a distance.

So that’s the story—strange, but beautiful nonetheless. Our story reveals the love and faithfulness of our God. This experience has shown me little gifts of grace—a kind note, an encouraging blogpost, a situation so awkward that we just had to laugh. Our God is truly so good. Just when it would be overwhelming, God would reveal Himself in another little “coincidence.” It has been a year of “God things.”

Has it been easy? Not at all. Somedays, we all hurt as we wish we could be a part of Isaac’s life. But then we see pictures of a precious family that exists because of A’s sacrifice and God’s plan…and we have peace.

*Adoption was the right choice for A. It was not an easy choice; in fact, it was probably the harder choice. Our family supported both her and the baby, and offered to help whatever decision she made. Watching her work through this decision and understanding her reasons for placing him for adoption gave me confidence in her decision. On the other hand, I do not believe that adoption is always the best decision. I know many young, single mothers who have decided to parent their babies and are wonderful mothers. One mother does not love her child more than the other. My hope is that, in each instance, the child’s best interest is considered and that all of us would offer support and help, not judgement.