**I can't take credit for this. I'm simply passing on good information for my friends and family. Special thanks to Chrissy and Lauren for sharing!
Instead of:
"Hey...Where did you get him?"
Try this:
"Gorgeous baby! Are you an adoptive family?"
Why? "Get him" implies that we went on vacation and brought him/her home as a souvenir. It demoralized the child and the adoption process.
Instead of:
"Do you have any REAL children?"
Try this:
"Is this your whole family?"
Why? Because nothing hurts more than insinuating that a child is not really ours...or not as real as a biological child. When we adopt a child, that child is ours. And we are his parents. The end. Again, I want to remind everyone that children come to families in many different ways: natural birth, C-section, international adoption, foster care system, adoption, etc. All these children are real.
Instead of:
"He is so lucky you SAVED him!"
Try this:
"What a lucky mom you are to have such a beautiful baby!"
or
"I bet he is such a huge blessing to YOU!"
We are the lucky ones. This child we have longed for and prayed for is in our arms. His/her story begins with loss. Loss of a family of origin and what could have been. We will gain. We have the opportunity to parent and love this child forever.
Instead of:
"When did you get him?"
Try this:
"How long has he been home?"
Why? We did not go pick him up a the store or meat market. He is a treasured member of our family...prayed for a longed for.
Instead of:
"What happened to his real parents?"
Try this:
Keeping this question to yourself.
Why? If you are really interested on why parents make adoption plans for their children, do the research. This is not ours nor anyone else's business. We don't ask intimate details of other people's history. It's inappropriate. Please treat adoptive parents, the child, and his/her birthparents with respect.
Instead of:
"Why would his parents give him away?"
Try this:
(see above and do not ever speak this question out loud)
Children are not given away. It's a sacrifice, and not one that you and I could ever comprehend. Some birth parents are too young to care for a child. Some are single, poor, and have no way to provide for the child. There are many reasons why birthparents make an adoption plan for their child as an act of love, and this decision is a devastating one. It's not like these moms just want to go party all night and not take care of a kid. It's probably the most difficult decision these birthparents will ever make.
Instead of:
"Yeah, I heard of this family who adopted and the child ended up killing their dog and then..."
or
"I hope you don't get one like ____."
Try this:
Keeping it to yourself.
Why? That's my question...why would you even go there? It's like those people who tell horror stories of pregnancies going wrong to an expectant mother. It's not like she's going to change her mind about having her baby. She knows there could be problems. All these comments do is discourage. Same with adopting families. We have already done 100 times the research and know much more about these scenarios than you may. We know there are hard things about adoption. Do you really want us to change our mind? And if so, why would you prevent any child from gaining a family? Be encouraging and keep your horror stories to yourself.
Instead of:
"This is Megan and Russ's adopted child."
Try this:
"This is Megan and Russ's child."
Why? I would never go around introducing your children as, "this one is the slow reader and this is the straight A student, and this one is the one with a lisp." Please don't use qualifiers to describe children. The child is our child - fully.
Instead of:
"...is adopted."
Try this:
"...was adopted."
Why? Our child WAS adopted. Then, he/she is just our child. Adoption is merely how he/she entered our family. It would be like me saying your child is a C-section child. That's just silly!
Instead of:
"What if they want to go back to their real parents when they are older?
Try this:
"Have you made plans for a birth parent search when they are older?"
Why? Ultimately it's up to the children when they get old enough to decide if they want to contact their relatives. We will have that information ready for them when they are mature enough to handle it.
"Hey...Where did you get him?"
Try this:
"Gorgeous baby! Are you an adoptive family?"
Why? "Get him" implies that we went on vacation and brought him/her home as a souvenir. It demoralized the child and the adoption process.
Instead of:
"Do you have any REAL children?"
Try this:
"Is this your whole family?"
Why? Because nothing hurts more than insinuating that a child is not really ours...or not as real as a biological child. When we adopt a child, that child is ours. And we are his parents. The end. Again, I want to remind everyone that children come to families in many different ways: natural birth, C-section, international adoption, foster care system, adoption, etc. All these children are real.
Instead of:
"He is so lucky you SAVED him!"
Try this:
"What a lucky mom you are to have such a beautiful baby!"
or
"I bet he is such a huge blessing to YOU!"
We are the lucky ones. This child we have longed for and prayed for is in our arms. His/her story begins with loss. Loss of a family of origin and what could have been. We will gain. We have the opportunity to parent and love this child forever.
Instead of:
"When did you get him?"
Try this:
"How long has he been home?"
Why? We did not go pick him up a the store or meat market. He is a treasured member of our family...prayed for a longed for.
Instead of:
"What happened to his real parents?"
Try this:
Keeping this question to yourself.
Why? If you are really interested on why parents make adoption plans for their children, do the research. This is not ours nor anyone else's business. We don't ask intimate details of other people's history. It's inappropriate. Please treat adoptive parents, the child, and his/her birthparents with respect.
Instead of:
"Why would his parents give him away?"
Try this:
(see above and do not ever speak this question out loud)
Children are not given away. It's a sacrifice, and not one that you and I could ever comprehend. Some birth parents are too young to care for a child. Some are single, poor, and have no way to provide for the child. There are many reasons why birthparents make an adoption plan for their child as an act of love, and this decision is a devastating one. It's not like these moms just want to go party all night and not take care of a kid. It's probably the most difficult decision these birthparents will ever make.
Instead of:
"Yeah, I heard of this family who adopted and the child ended up killing their dog and then..."
or
"I hope you don't get one like ____."
Try this:
Keeping it to yourself.
Why? That's my question...why would you even go there? It's like those people who tell horror stories of pregnancies going wrong to an expectant mother. It's not like she's going to change her mind about having her baby. She knows there could be problems. All these comments do is discourage. Same with adopting families. We have already done 100 times the research and know much more about these scenarios than you may. We know there are hard things about adoption. Do you really want us to change our mind? And if so, why would you prevent any child from gaining a family? Be encouraging and keep your horror stories to yourself.
Instead of:
"This is Megan and Russ's adopted child."
Try this:
"This is Megan and Russ's child."
Why? I would never go around introducing your children as, "this one is the slow reader and this is the straight A student, and this one is the one with a lisp." Please don't use qualifiers to describe children. The child is our child - fully.
Instead of:
"...is adopted."
Try this:
"...was adopted."
Why? Our child WAS adopted. Then, he/she is just our child. Adoption is merely how he/she entered our family. It would be like me saying your child is a C-section child. That's just silly!
Instead of:
"What if they want to go back to their real parents when they are older?
Try this:
"Have you made plans for a birth parent search when they are older?"
Why? Ultimately it's up to the children when they get old enough to decide if they want to contact their relatives. We will have that information ready for them when they are mature enough to handle it.
Now, this guide is just a small snippet of the questions adoptive parents get on a regular basis. But, to ask the questions appropriately just takes a mental turn around in the way people think about adoption and children in general to a more compassionate, child-centered view. There are so many well-meaning people that have sincere questions, but they don't know how these words can evoke feelings. This post is to educate those people. Hope it helps if only to make you a little more thoughtful in how you ask.
1 comment:
Hey, that was a great tutorial!
I like to think that some people JUST DON'T THINK before they speak. I know you have had to develop some thick skin throughout this process. And if I have ever made an inappropriate comment, please forgive me. I am so happy for you and Russ. I think you are growing your family in such an awesome way, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will be a fantastic mother!
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